No motivation to work-
My professor will think I'm a jerk.
I've got transcripts to code and reviews to write-
But siting and starting are putting up quite a fight.
The sun is shining and calling my name-
I wonder how long I will play this procrastination game...?
I can reason and ration all day; I am shrewd-
But if I don't get this work done... I am going to be screw--!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Update Spring 2012 Begins
I have missed my blog! Writing for the joy of writing - ahh yes.
Where do I start? The holidays were eventful to say the least and I am thrilled to say that 2011 is the last holiday season I will spend in finals. ever.
Spring 2012 begins with a vengeance and lots of news... The secret is out, although not on FB and not going to be, Neil and I are expecting our first baby. I am 19 weeks preggers and what journey it has been so far! The first trimester about did me in! I couldn't eat a thing and felt sick 24-7, especially at night. Luckily, I could get my work done in the morning and muscle through classes at night. By the grace of God, I slid through the Fall semester and don't have any desire to look back! I threw up most of my holiday dinners and ended up losing over 7 lbs in my first trimester. As the nausea declined, massive daily headaches join my routine and I really thought... I may only have one child.
Thankfully, I am feeling better by week 19 and am gearing up for Spring with my guns-a-blazing! I have to be. Three classes this semester and 2 in summer will complete my course work for the doctoral program. Hopefully, baby will let me finish finals before his arrival on or around July 4th! An independence baby born to course-work-free mama! I'll take the rest of the summer to hang with the baby and then begin my qualifying exams, on my own time, :) in the Fall. After quals, the dissertation research and writing begins. Thankfully, all this work is on my own time, leaving my schedule flexible enough to accommodate the family needs.
I will honestly admit, last semester was down right miserable, but I am refreshed and rejuvenated with new vigor to knock out the work and get this degree done as planned. I imagine my life a year from now as a part time professor and full time mama and use that joy to help me through another literature review and critical review... and before I know it I am few steps closer to my goal. :)
In the meantime, I am beyond thrilled that our little one is growing and thriving. I love talking to other mama's and have channeled my researcher's lenses on all things baby. I can't wait to start working on the baby's room. The pictures above are Charlie, 18 weeks.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Monday Begin Again
Monday arrives with pleasant energy- waking to find a neat house and a few fall decorations- thanks to my mother.
The weekend brought a break (because I couldn't force myself to work anymore) from school work and several hours of watching movies and mindless television.
Sunday became an impromptu family gathering, complete with steaks and veggies on the grill, mum planting, cowboys game and a pumpkin carving contest. It was lovely to be together and relax throughout the day.
Friends are the precious family you get to choose, yes; but your family is always there for you to the very last day.
After a year of increasing isolated lifestyle, my appreciation of both has increased exponentially.
One project finished and another one begins.
I embrace what the week will hold for me and pray for the Lord to continue to work in my heart- helping me break free of the doctoral doldrums and dance back into joy.
Rejoice in the Lord, always- again, I say rejoice.
The weekend brought a break (because I couldn't force myself to work anymore) from school work and several hours of watching movies and mindless television.
Sunday became an impromptu family gathering, complete with steaks and veggies on the grill, mum planting, cowboys game and a pumpkin carving contest. It was lovely to be together and relax throughout the day.
Friends are the precious family you get to choose, yes; but your family is always there for you to the very last day.
After a year of increasing isolated lifestyle, my appreciation of both has increased exponentially.
One project finished and another one begins.
I embrace what the week will hold for me and pray for the Lord to continue to work in my heart- helping me break free of the doctoral doldrums and dance back into joy.
Rejoice in the Lord, always- again, I say rejoice.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
craft
what is your craft? is it learning, teaching, sharing, creating or all of these
what makes one a master of their craft?
still afternoon in my house alone, craving creative expression, color, noise
yearning for purity, intensely solid, visceral renaissance of movement and focus on beauty
the air changes and my throat tightens around the taunt of daydreams
the clock strikes 4 and it's time for class, for school
time to input then output
still looking to find the spirit of craft, i feel it approaching
what makes one a master of their craft?
still afternoon in my house alone, craving creative expression, color, noise
yearning for purity, intensely solid, visceral renaissance of movement and focus on beauty
the air changes and my throat tightens around the taunt of daydreams
the clock strikes 4 and it's time for class, for school
time to input then output
still looking to find the spirit of craft, i feel it approaching
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
a long day is over... haiku
dark calm quiet house
rain gently taps the sky light
fingers tapping words
A very long day of tasks to complete lingers still, but in the stillness I somehow find a quiet mind.
Perhaps it is the surrender of energy spent, or maybe the rain quenching the dry and desperate earth- but somehow the constant tension in me has vacated- leaving room for poetry and a dinner of fresh chopped vegetables.
Somehow, I will finish it all. But for now, I will enjoy the calm.
rain gently taps the sky light
fingers tapping words
A very long day of tasks to complete lingers still, but in the stillness I somehow find a quiet mind.
Perhaps it is the surrender of energy spent, or maybe the rain quenching the dry and desperate earth- but somehow the constant tension in me has vacated- leaving room for poetry and a dinner of fresh chopped vegetables.
Somehow, I will finish it all. But for now, I will enjoy the calm.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Cheers the Freakin Weekend!
Oh what a week! It's so nice to have one more week under my belt. The grace of the Lord never fails me. He has answered my desperate prayers for tranquility and joy in the midst of a strenuous, consuming and rather relentless schedule this semester. I have my happy back! Hallelujah!
Yesterday, I dreamed of my graduation party. I watched myself thanking friends, family and my precious husband for supporting me through this journey. My dream reminded me of two important things: one- the power of visualization. Call me an idealist, I'll gladly wear the title. I expect the very best everyday. I believe in visualizing the fruition of dreams and goals. There is power in that image and even more in speaking those goals aloud. Here on my blog I say: I will toast the joy of graduating with a ph.d in a few years, surrounded my friends and family and one heck of a party!
Second, don't save your thank-you's! Ears never tire of blessings. If I think them, I will say them. Thank you family, friends for your patient and caring listening and support in my overwhelmed moments. Thank you husband for your unwavering support and patience for a wife who has ceased to cook, clean, and shop in lieu of staring into a laptop for hours on end. I'm so lucky so have married someone who has already blazed this trail and survived.
Cheers to the weekend, in spite of working- I will celebrate my mother's 55th birthday with dinner and a show. And enjoy a quiet, laptop free evening with my husband, dogs and cats. Sounds amazing.
Yesterday, I dreamed of my graduation party. I watched myself thanking friends, family and my precious husband for supporting me through this journey. My dream reminded me of two important things: one- the power of visualization. Call me an idealist, I'll gladly wear the title. I expect the very best everyday. I believe in visualizing the fruition of dreams and goals. There is power in that image and even more in speaking those goals aloud. Here on my blog I say: I will toast the joy of graduating with a ph.d in a few years, surrounded my friends and family and one heck of a party!
Second, don't save your thank-you's! Ears never tire of blessings. If I think them, I will say them. Thank you family, friends for your patient and caring listening and support in my overwhelmed moments. Thank you husband for your unwavering support and patience for a wife who has ceased to cook, clean, and shop in lieu of staring into a laptop for hours on end. I'm so lucky so have married someone who has already blazed this trail and survived.
Cheers to the weekend, in spite of working- I will celebrate my mother's 55th birthday with dinner and a show. And enjoy a quiet, laptop free evening with my husband, dogs and cats. Sounds amazing.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
The Uphill Climb
Blogging, among many other things I love has taken a very distant back seat to my doctoral studies. Tonight, as midnight approaches, I find it the appropriate interruption from my htlm project toil.
Taking note of the uphill climb:
Year one is finished and year two begun at record pace. To date, life is the busiest and most intense I've experienced. I do enjoy my days, but resent the stress and time demands from my very core.
I miss writing for fun and am reminded of my divorce from the joy of reading as a child.
As a little girl, I read feverishly- devouring book after book with joy, curiosity and delight. As I progressed through school, that joy was squashed by an anvil of boring text books, tedious required reading notes and stupid-end-of-the-chapter questions. I quit reading for fun, and started glazing over the text to fulfill requirements with efficiency. My student life was awarded with A's and countless awards, but long gone was the joy of reading. As an adult looking back, what a tragic failure that was.
I'm determined to protect my love of writing. Tonight, I begin another week of 15 hour days without knowing definitively that I will finish everything in time. Inundation lowers the quality of my work, which feels like a failure to me. I have left some projects unfinished because of inevitable prioritization of deadlines, again- gut-wrenching! I'm gaining weight and having trouble getting my mind to down enough to sleep through the night. I don't have much time to cook, clean, be creative, work out or attend social events. I spend most of my time at home, alone, in front of my laptop- working. I do not intend to complain, just note the reality of life right now. This is the uphill climb; and it's bloody hard.
On occasion, I've considered quitting, but absolutely cannot fathom allowing the sacrifices I have already made thus far become all for nothing. Onward I push and climb, through the occasional tears and four letter words and frequent prayers for strength and tranquility. Believing that reaching new heights is worth the price tag and hoping I am becoming a better person, hoping I am bringing glory to the Leader. one. step. at. a. time.
Taking note of the uphill climb:
Year one is finished and year two begun at record pace. To date, life is the busiest and most intense I've experienced. I do enjoy my days, but resent the stress and time demands from my very core.
I miss writing for fun and am reminded of my divorce from the joy of reading as a child.
As a little girl, I read feverishly- devouring book after book with joy, curiosity and delight. As I progressed through school, that joy was squashed by an anvil of boring text books, tedious required reading notes and stupid-end-of-the-chapter questions. I quit reading for fun, and started glazing over the text to fulfill requirements with efficiency. My student life was awarded with A's and countless awards, but long gone was the joy of reading. As an adult looking back, what a tragic failure that was.
I'm determined to protect my love of writing. Tonight, I begin another week of 15 hour days without knowing definitively that I will finish everything in time. Inundation lowers the quality of my work, which feels like a failure to me. I have left some projects unfinished because of inevitable prioritization of deadlines, again- gut-wrenching! I'm gaining weight and having trouble getting my mind to down enough to sleep through the night. I don't have much time to cook, clean, be creative, work out or attend social events. I spend most of my time at home, alone, in front of my laptop- working. I do not intend to complain, just note the reality of life right now. This is the uphill climb; and it's bloody hard.
On occasion, I've considered quitting, but absolutely cannot fathom allowing the sacrifices I have already made thus far become all for nothing. Onward I push and climb, through the occasional tears and four letter words and frequent prayers for strength and tranquility. Believing that reaching new heights is worth the price tag and hoping I am becoming a better person, hoping I am bringing glory to the Leader. one. step. at. a. time.
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