Mother's Day

Mothers... what would we do without them?

What a great day to thank them for all they do. Neil and I are so grateful.

I have a half heavy heart. I found out a few days ago, my grandmother has lung cancer among other serious health complications that I already knew about. She has also been deep in dementia for a few years now. I have not seen her in a long time. I am ashamed to say that I did not have the courage to pick up the phone and call her yesterday.

The last few times we spoke on the phone- it just didn't feel like I was even talking to her. I know it's still her, but it's really not her. I know I am certainly not the first to wrap my head around this end of life journey, but I never knew I would fail her like this. I would pick up the phone and search for her number, but before I could push call- tears would begin to flow down my cheeks. I just couldn't do it. I wasn't strong enough to hold it together for her.

I usually try to find the silver lining in a situation- but I have so many thoughts about this I have no where else to put them but here on this blog.
Where has my courage gone? Even now as I write this, tears come as quickly as key strokes.

I know she will be happy to escape her sick body when the time comes.
Why am I so afraid and weak to face this stage of her life? to reach out to her?

Even in this situation, I can see God's grace around her. Though her mind does not allow her to grasp reality, she lives in her happiest memories of life- when her seven sons were young and her twin sister was as close as an arm's reach. Her medications keep her comfortable and as pain free as possible for now.

I selfishly want to remember our last fanciful conversation as our last. I am afraid to hear her in pain or in sadness.

I've never had to find this kind of strength before, but I guess it's time to find it. I'm going to learn more about this. And I'm going to find the strength to call before it's too late. `