Oh what a week! It's so nice to have one more week under my belt. The grace of the Lord never fails me. He has answered my desperate prayers for tranquility and joy in the midst of a strenuous, consuming and rather relentless schedule this semester. I have my happy back! Hallelujah!
Yesterday, I dreamed of my graduation party. I watched myself thanking friends, family and my precious husband for supporting me through this journey. My dream reminded me of two important things: one- the power of visualization. Call me an idealist, I'll gladly wear the title. I expect the very best everyday. I believe in visualizing the fruition of dreams and goals. There is power in that image and even more in speaking those goals aloud. Here on my blog I say: I will toast the joy of graduating with a ph.d in a few years, surrounded my friends and family and one heck of a party!
Second, don't save your thank-you's! Ears never tire of blessings. If I think them, I will say them. Thank you family, friends for your patient and caring listening and support in my overwhelmed moments. Thank you husband for your unwavering support and patience for a wife who has ceased to cook, clean, and shop in lieu of staring into a laptop for hours on end. I'm so lucky so have married someone who has already blazed this trail and survived.
Cheers to the weekend, in spite of working- I will celebrate my mother's 55th birthday with dinner and a show. And enjoy a quiet, laptop free evening with my husband, dogs and cats. Sounds amazing.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
The Uphill Climb
Blogging, among many other things I love has taken a very distant back seat to my doctoral studies. Tonight, as midnight approaches, I find it the appropriate interruption from my htlm project toil.
Taking note of the uphill climb:
Year one is finished and year two begun at record pace. To date, life is the busiest and most intense I've experienced. I do enjoy my days, but resent the stress and time demands from my very core.
I miss writing for fun and am reminded of my divorce from the joy of reading as a child.
As a little girl, I read feverishly- devouring book after book with joy, curiosity and delight. As I progressed through school, that joy was squashed by an anvil of boring text books, tedious required reading notes and stupid-end-of-the-chapter questions. I quit reading for fun, and started glazing over the text to fulfill requirements with efficiency. My student life was awarded with A's and countless awards, but long gone was the joy of reading. As an adult looking back, what a tragic failure that was.
I'm determined to protect my love of writing. Tonight, I begin another week of 15 hour days without knowing definitively that I will finish everything in time. Inundation lowers the quality of my work, which feels like a failure to me. I have left some projects unfinished because of inevitable prioritization of deadlines, again- gut-wrenching! I'm gaining weight and having trouble getting my mind to down enough to sleep through the night. I don't have much time to cook, clean, be creative, work out or attend social events. I spend most of my time at home, alone, in front of my laptop- working. I do not intend to complain, just note the reality of life right now. This is the uphill climb; and it's bloody hard.
On occasion, I've considered quitting, but absolutely cannot fathom allowing the sacrifices I have already made thus far become all for nothing. Onward I push and climb, through the occasional tears and four letter words and frequent prayers for strength and tranquility. Believing that reaching new heights is worth the price tag and hoping I am becoming a better person, hoping I am bringing glory to the Leader. one. step. at. a. time.
Taking note of the uphill climb:
Year one is finished and year two begun at record pace. To date, life is the busiest and most intense I've experienced. I do enjoy my days, but resent the stress and time demands from my very core.
I miss writing for fun and am reminded of my divorce from the joy of reading as a child.
As a little girl, I read feverishly- devouring book after book with joy, curiosity and delight. As I progressed through school, that joy was squashed by an anvil of boring text books, tedious required reading notes and stupid-end-of-the-chapter questions. I quit reading for fun, and started glazing over the text to fulfill requirements with efficiency. My student life was awarded with A's and countless awards, but long gone was the joy of reading. As an adult looking back, what a tragic failure that was.
I'm determined to protect my love of writing. Tonight, I begin another week of 15 hour days without knowing definitively that I will finish everything in time. Inundation lowers the quality of my work, which feels like a failure to me. I have left some projects unfinished because of inevitable prioritization of deadlines, again- gut-wrenching! I'm gaining weight and having trouble getting my mind to down enough to sleep through the night. I don't have much time to cook, clean, be creative, work out or attend social events. I spend most of my time at home, alone, in front of my laptop- working. I do not intend to complain, just note the reality of life right now. This is the uphill climb; and it's bloody hard.
On occasion, I've considered quitting, but absolutely cannot fathom allowing the sacrifices I have already made thus far become all for nothing. Onward I push and climb, through the occasional tears and four letter words and frequent prayers for strength and tranquility. Believing that reaching new heights is worth the price tag and hoping I am becoming a better person, hoping I am bringing glory to the Leader. one. step. at. a. time.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
It's okay to be sad.
Even though it is hard to be sad.
This issue compounds sad, which is really unfortunate.
I don't care for sad; I prefer happy and carefree.
However, sad reminds me of how much more wonderful happy is.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I hope happy will return soon.
Sad really doesn't work for me.
Maybe writing will bring happy back faster.
I hope so. And hope-y is very close to happy.
Surely one little letter will make it's way back into place very soon.
This issue compounds sad, which is really unfortunate.
I don't care for sad; I prefer happy and carefree.
However, sad reminds me of how much more wonderful happy is.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I hope happy will return soon.
Sad really doesn't work for me.
Maybe writing will bring happy back faster.
I hope so. And hope-y is very close to happy.
Surely one little letter will make it's way back into place very soon.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Mahalo
After a much anticipated and appreciated trip to Maui, I find myself - de-stressed. I have more to do than I did before I left, but have had time to reflect and choose an attitude of thankfulness instead of fret and constant urgency.
Maui is beautiful. It will be a while before I can process and internalize the fullness of the experience, but diving with manta rays and sharks was awe-inspiring and revitalizing. Driving the road to Hana quieted my mind and bathed my spirit in creation. Soaring above towering waterfalls brought perspective, and walking the beaches brought balance back. Perspective makes your days, and your days make your life. I'm thankful to have been reminded of these things during this time in my journey.
the sea, the sea, the big blue sea
you calm my soul and bring peace to me
bright, alive
full of power and surprise
i will always come to you, and you will always find me
my sea, my sea, my big blue sea
Back on the mainland, I focus in on research and school work.
With a fresh perspective and uncoiled fists, I click away and read away
Here we go summer session 2011
Each day a blessing, mahalo.
Maui is beautiful. It will be a while before I can process and internalize the fullness of the experience, but diving with manta rays and sharks was awe-inspiring and revitalizing. Driving the road to Hana quieted my mind and bathed my spirit in creation. Soaring above towering waterfalls brought perspective, and walking the beaches brought balance back. Perspective makes your days, and your days make your life. I'm thankful to have been reminded of these things during this time in my journey.
the sea, the sea, the big blue sea
you calm my soul and bring peace to me
bright, alive
full of power and surprise
i will always come to you, and you will always find me
my sea, my sea, my big blue sea
Back on the mainland, I focus in on research and school work.
With a fresh perspective and uncoiled fists, I click away and read away
Here we go summer session 2011
Each day a blessing, mahalo.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I have turned to the dark side...
My how the time flies. I haven't been back to my beloved blog since January. I haven't left completely though. I have found a way to continue thinking about blogging... in my research. I even presented at a colloquium round table a few weeks ago on the passionate writing community of millennial women bloggers... really! I did! AND to my surprise, my audience found it relatively interesting. So, I'm growing the paper, we'll see what it turns into...
Life is so good. Busy, exciting and difficult. I feel as though I am training for a marathon, but I love it. I am growing in so many ways I couldn't possibly name them all in the short time I have to down this cup of coffee and begin my next paper which is due in approximately 2 hours. YES, I said coffee.
I have recently joined the dark side of coffee drinkers. I used to be a tea drinker who scrunched my nose in disgust at even the smell of coffee. But, somehow the combination of graduate school, the approach to my 30th birthday and remodeling my house made me pick a ^%*%$&$# cup of double shot espresso and drink it. black. That's how I like it. I have come to anticipate and appreciate my afternoon cup of coffee and the reprieve from my work. With a short white cup of black coffee in my hand, birds chirping, breezes blowing and my sweet dogs lounging on the back porch... for a few moments- all is right with the world. And I enter back into the grind, refreshed and energized for the tasks ahead.
So off I go again, but hoping to return sooner, to continue to document more frequently the moments of this dynamic life, as we know it.
Life is so good. Busy, exciting and difficult. I feel as though I am training for a marathon, but I love it. I am growing in so many ways I couldn't possibly name them all in the short time I have to down this cup of coffee and begin my next paper which is due in approximately 2 hours. YES, I said coffee.
I have recently joined the dark side of coffee drinkers. I used to be a tea drinker who scrunched my nose in disgust at even the smell of coffee. But, somehow the combination of graduate school, the approach to my 30th birthday and remodeling my house made me pick a ^%*%$&$# cup of double shot espresso and drink it. black. That's how I like it. I have come to anticipate and appreciate my afternoon cup of coffee and the reprieve from my work. With a short white cup of black coffee in my hand, birds chirping, breezes blowing and my sweet dogs lounging on the back porch... for a few moments- all is right with the world. And I enter back into the grind, refreshed and energized for the tasks ahead.
So off I go again, but hoping to return sooner, to continue to document more frequently the moments of this dynamic life, as we know it.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Trying not to be sick anymore...
There is one thing I hate- I hate being sick.
I have used every weapon known to man to fight off a achy cold and I am hoping with everything I've got that tomorrow will be the last of it.
Being sick makes you thankful for your health.
Tomorrow will be a feeling better day.
This morning I taught class, cleaned house, lunched and worked some more.
I am thankful for a clean, beautiful house, and my cats who lay across my papers strewn across the dining room table as I plunk away at my laptop projects.
I am thankful for the soothing sounds of my front porch fountain which accompanies the quiet, perfectly.
I am thankful for the flow of thoughts and clarity that emerge like the sleuth I've been searching everywhere for.
I am thankful for my husband who went to the store and bought several delectable beverages to fill our refrigerator shelf and ward off my looming cold-medicine dehydration.
I am thankful for family and those who nurture our spirits when our strength is low.
I have used every weapon known to man to fight off a achy cold and I am hoping with everything I've got that tomorrow will be the last of it.
Being sick makes you thankful for your health.
Tomorrow will be a feeling better day.
This morning I taught class, cleaned house, lunched and worked some more.
I am thankful for a clean, beautiful house, and my cats who lay across my papers strewn across the dining room table as I plunk away at my laptop projects.
I am thankful for the soothing sounds of my front porch fountain which accompanies the quiet, perfectly.
I am thankful for the flow of thoughts and clarity that emerge like the sleuth I've been searching everywhere for.
I am thankful for my husband who went to the store and bought several delectable beverages to fill our refrigerator shelf and ward off my looming cold-medicine dehydration.
I am thankful for family and those who nurture our spirits when our strength is low.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I'm back!
After a few weeks of hiatus, rest, love, food, and more rest. I am officially rejuvenated out of utter exhaustion. Fall 2010 closed with a 3.8 gpa and the holidays were a fabulous blur of glitter, fun and food. And the spring semester has officially begun. Off to the races folks!
My courses are off to a running start. The constant stress of "newness" has lowered from a daily tidal wave to a more manageable, occasional upheaval of nerves. I bought a planner, and now manage my world in hard-copy (in addition to digital.) The planner is very comforting and has freed me from post-it note overload.
The required reading for school has increased 7-fold, and is ever-so-dense and philosophical. But, I am resolved, for now, to persevere through it all. I have found joy again in learning. I love my student teachers- they are the brightest spots of my week. And I am determined to keep my daily joy around, much longer than the constant cognitive dissonance of Fall 2010.
Here we go!
Off to read: Using a Chicana Feminist Epistemology in Educational Research by Delores Delgado Bernal
My courses are off to a running start. The constant stress of "newness" has lowered from a daily tidal wave to a more manageable, occasional upheaval of nerves. I bought a planner, and now manage my world in hard-copy (in addition to digital.) The planner is very comforting and has freed me from post-it note overload.
The required reading for school has increased 7-fold, and is ever-so-dense and philosophical. But, I am resolved, for now, to persevere through it all. I have found joy again in learning. I love my student teachers- they are the brightest spots of my week. And I am determined to keep my daily joy around, much longer than the constant cognitive dissonance of Fall 2010.
Here we go!
Off to read: Using a Chicana Feminist Epistemology in Educational Research by Delores Delgado Bernal
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