It's okay to be sad.

Even though it is hard to be sad.
This issue compounds sad, which is really unfortunate.
I don't care for sad; I prefer happy and carefree.
However, sad reminds me of how much more wonderful happy is.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I hope happy will return soon.
Sad really doesn't work for me.
Maybe writing will bring happy back faster.
I hope so. And hope-y is very close to happy.
Surely one little letter will make it's way back into place very soon.

Mahalo

After a much anticipated and appreciated trip to Maui, I find myself - de-stressed. I have more to do than I did before I left, but have had time to reflect and choose an attitude of thankfulness instead of fret and constant urgency.

Maui is beautiful. It will be a while before I can process and internalize the fullness of the experience, but diving with manta rays and sharks was awe-inspiring and revitalizing. Driving the road to Hana quieted my mind and bathed my spirit in creation. Soaring above towering waterfalls brought perspective, and walking the beaches brought balance back. Perspective makes your days, and your days make your life. I'm thankful to have been reminded of these things during this time in my journey.

the sea, the sea, the big blue sea
you calm my soul and bring peace to me
bright, alive
full of power and surprise
i will always come to you, and you will always find me
my sea, my sea, my big blue sea

Back on the mainland, I focus in on research and school work.
With a fresh perspective and uncoiled fists, I click away and read away
Here we go summer session 2011
Each day a blessing, mahalo.

I have turned to the dark side...

My how the time flies. I haven't been back to my beloved blog since January. I haven't left completely though. I have found a way to continue thinking about blogging... in my research. I even presented at a colloquium round table a few weeks ago on the passionate writing community of millennial women bloggers... really! I did! AND to my surprise, my audience found it relatively interesting. So, I'm growing the paper, we'll see what it turns into...

Life is so good. Busy, exciting and difficult. I feel as though I am training for a marathon, but I love it. I am growing in so many ways I couldn't possibly name them all in the short time I have to down this cup of coffee and begin my next paper which is due in approximately 2 hours. YES, I said coffee.

I have recently joined the dark side of coffee drinkers. I used to be a tea drinker who scrunched my nose in disgust at even the smell of coffee. But, somehow the combination of graduate school, the approach to my 30th birthday and remodeling my house made me pick a ^%*%$&$# cup of double shot espresso and drink it. black. That's how I like it. I have come to anticipate and appreciate my afternoon cup of coffee and the reprieve from my work. With a short white cup of black coffee in my hand, birds chirping, breezes blowing and my sweet dogs lounging on the back porch... for a few moments- all is right with the world. And I enter back into the grind, refreshed and energized for the tasks ahead.

So off I go again, but hoping to return sooner, to continue to document more frequently the moments of this dynamic life, as we know it.

Trying not to be sick anymore...

There is one thing I hate- I hate being sick.
I have used every weapon known to man to fight off a achy cold and I am hoping with everything I've got that tomorrow will be the last of it.
Being sick makes you thankful for your health.
Tomorrow will be a feeling better day.

This morning I taught class, cleaned house, lunched and worked some more.
I am thankful for a clean, beautiful house, and my cats who lay across my papers strewn across the dining room table as I plunk away at my laptop projects.
I am thankful for the soothing sounds of my front porch fountain which accompanies the quiet, perfectly.
I am thankful for the flow of thoughts and clarity that emerge like the sleuth I've been searching everywhere for.
I am thankful for my husband who went to the store and bought several delectable beverages to fill our refrigerator shelf and ward off my looming cold-medicine dehydration.
I am thankful for family and those who nurture our spirits when our strength is low.

I'm back!

After a few weeks of hiatus, rest, love, food, and more rest. I am officially rejuvenated out of utter exhaustion. Fall 2010 closed with a 3.8 gpa and the holidays were a fabulous blur of glitter, fun and food. And the spring semester has officially begun. Off to the races folks!

My courses are off to a running start. The constant stress of "newness" has lowered from a daily tidal wave to a more manageable, occasional upheaval of nerves. I bought a planner, and now manage my world in hard-copy (in addition to digital.) The planner is very comforting and has freed me from post-it note overload.

The required reading for school has increased 7-fold, and is ever-so-dense and philosophical. But, I am resolved, for now, to persevere through it all. I have found joy again in learning. I love my student teachers- they are the brightest spots of my week. And I am determined to keep my daily joy around, much longer than the constant cognitive dissonance of Fall 2010.

Here we go!
Off to read: Using a Chicana Feminist Epistemology in Educational Research by Delores Delgado Bernal

Missed

As finals come to a close- one last stack of papers lay beside me to grade. Grades to post, paper work to wrap up - and then I will tie a big red bow on this first semester of school and say-
it is finished.
What an experience it has been...
I thought I would feel so light today, smiling from ear to ear.
But- this season of work has squeezed out so many things I love about the holiday season.
Both Neil and I have been working so hard, that those events outside of work were missed this season.

The CTWP Holiday Social
Kevin & Missy's Red Soiree
Ryan & Sandra's Christmas Party
Michele's Cookie & Jewelry Party
Alex's Ornament Exchange Party
Miranda's Birthday Brunch
Amye's shopping visit to the outlet mall
The Annual White Elephant Gift Exchange Party
ALL missed by us.

I'm just not sure what to say about it.
I know I am investing in the future, but at what sacrifice?
I miss the joy I used to find in cleaning my house, cooking dinner and seeing our friends- things that I do not have much time to do anymore.
I just want my friends to know I still love them. I miss them terribly. I hope I will see them soon.
Next year, I will figure out a way to do it better. This program will only interrupt one more holiday season, and next year- I will surely be more prepared.

Time to dry it up and count my blessings.
The last thing I'm missing is an attitude adjustment. Hopefully, I'll find it soon.

My husband has said on several occasions... "Grad school is about as much fun as stabbing yourself in the eye with a fork, over and over and over." I'll just leave it at that.

Monday Short List

Monday, Monday- here we go!
I missed my pilates class because my brain is too full.
My heart is full because we set up out Christmas tree and decked the halls last night- joy!
Church and my mother's Christmas brunch brought food for the soul and reminded me that the world does not revolve around my doctoral program.
This season is a time for reflection on God's gifts and blessings to us (and oh, they are so many), and a time to GIVE to others.
The Limpopo Writing Project is my charity project this Christmas, and I am even more excited to try to put together a little money for learners far away who are moving along their educational journey- just like I am trying to do.
Dancing to Bing Crosby in the living room with my husband fills my bucket.
The Christmas shopping is done, Christmas cards are mailed- it's time to get back to the school work.
Giddy up!