A countdown ode to 38 weeks pregnant...

10 Hours of reading blogs and forums on child birthing…

9 Minutes to climb one flight of stairs…

8 Maternity items that still fit…

7 Heaping tablespoons of ice cream to escape the Texas summer heat…

6 Servings of Tums crunched per day to relieve this never-ending heartburn… hey, at least its extra calcium!

4 Limbs covered in itchy pregnancy rashes… kill me now!

3 Gallons of water in a day and still thirsty!

2 Teaspoons of Metamucil… enough said.

1 Baby in still baking in the oven that makes it allll worth it. 

Can’t wait to meet him… sooner rather than later... please. ;)

The rare but ugly...

I believe in trying to stay as positive as possible as ALL times. However, every so often I allow myself a full-blown gripe session and today is the day. I have an event this afternoon and another tomorrow- so I figured a blogging gripe session would be cathartic and spare my friends and family from a pity party ear-full.

I am 36 weeks pregnant. YAH! I am taking 9 hours of summer school in one month which is wonderful yet all-consuming leaving me no scratch of energy to cook, clean or even think of anything else. However, my trustworthy, but inconsistent house cleaner's phone has been off... again... for a week. I am to teach a course that ends in July - leaving me moderately stressed on the logistics of that mess if the baby comes early. 

I am having an allergic reaction to... something. I have rashes that itch profusely (all the time) and burn like fire if I am outside in the heat. These are all over my body- meaning I cannot shave my legs, meaning I cannot wear shorts or a bathing suit, meaning I basically am stuck in my house wearing mumus that are rapidly becoming too tight for my baby bump.

Most of my pregnancy clothes fit anymore- they are all too small for my bump. Trying on new clothes is officially NOT fun, and I don't have the time or energy to buy anything even I did want to.

I resent the constant demand of this ph.d. program sometimes. I have yet to go to one of my husband's basketball games this year.  And, my husband's sympathy meter is at capacity. I'll leave it at that. This week, quitting has crossed my mind more than once... for many good reasons.

I have contractions almost constantly, which is not a big deal and actually good, but they are starting to hurt a bit. If I stand or walk too long I get light-headed and dizzy. My feet swell up at the end of the day and my rings don't fit... even my watch is beginning to get tight on my wrist.

I wake up 20 times through the night to use the restroom and my feet are usually asleep when they hit the floor. I have to switch sides frequently because the top arm falls asleep as well.  

I'm tiring of how heavy I am. It's hard to do everything and I move as slow as an elephant. I can barely get out of cars, couches, beds, etc. One flight of stares feels like Mount Olympus. It's so annoying. I used to be so spry and springy. I totally understand the new mom's quest to lose the baby weight. I CAN'T wait to get this weight off of me. I'm covered in stretch marks and I don't even care one bit... I just want to be light again!

People stare and LAUGH at me wherever I go. I am NOT exaggerating. People LAUGH at me. Strangers constantly comment... "Wow, you are huge!" "Yes..." I say and smile, "I know."

I forget everything... all the time. Which means I will probably forget this miserable day... which is a blessing in it's own right. Speaking of blessings... I have many and it's time to count them. That's my rule. Vent... cry... then dry it up and count your blessings. Put on a smile and a mumu and show up for the party... even if I have to stay inside the whole time. ;) Attitude is everything and it's time to change mine.

4 Weeks Left of Pregnancy... 4 Weeks Left of Course Work...

Monday I will begin 9 hours of literacy course work.

This weekend, Neil and I completed the last of our baby tasks: a place for baby to sleep, bathe, swing and change diapers. We packed our hospital bags and wrote a jello-birth plan.

The Morgan family is in Austin for the summer. We enjoyed a visit with them this week. Baby T is a little wonder of beauty- peaceful, happy and very sweet. Motherhood becomes her mother in an astonishingly attractive way.

My body is telling me to S-L-O-W down and take it easy. I have regular, frequent contractions and the baby is engaged in my pelvis for about a week now. An engaged baby feels like a bowling ball between your legs. My personality seems notable indecisive, even on small choices like what to wear.

I am in full nesting mode- wanting to organize and clean the house in large and small ways. My belly is big and round. People often stop me and ask if I am having a boy, when and how I am doing.

I'm overjoyed to know that two more friends are pregnant! LS due with her second in October and AP due with her first, a son, in November. So exciting to see the parenthood chapter beginning and continuing for so many around us! I just love it!

Vroom... Vroom...

Life is zooming by!

Oh what has happened since March!?!
Finals! True to my anticipation, the Spring 2012 semester was intense! I worked my tail off and my papers still have significant room for growth.
Currently I am working on an independent study and gearing up for 6 hours of summer literacy courses and teaching one undergraduate course which ends... July 11. I'll let you do the math. ;)
However, upon Charlie's arrival- I will be officially into phase 2 of this dissertation process - meaning I will  only take one evening course giving Charlie and Daddy a night on their own every week while I'm in class! I opted not to work this Fall and stay home with Charlie and work on my qualifying exams and dissertation proposal when time allows. I'm hoping between naps and other peoples' laps- brilliance will emerge on my Fall projects.

Baby showers were absolute delights! Three showers and continuous gifts from friends has officially baby-geared us up! We almost have everything on the list. We are 6 weeks away and feeling the urg to get everything checked off the list as soon as possible. Neil is sure Charlie will arrive early and I am counting on a late baby. We'll see what Charlie decides. We have a doula lined up for our birthing classes and the big day as well. I've read and watched everything loose and conclude that giving birth is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. I'm as prepared as I can be I suppose and the rest is up to fate. At this time, I am neither worried nor scared- I figure the baby is coming out one way or another and I just can't wait to meet him and find out who he is.

He feels a lot like his daddy- intense, active, strong, happy and deliberate. I am enjoying my protein shakes and swimming lately, oh and naps are officially back on the to do list- bliss!     

Dissonance and Diligence

Clicking papers into being, mining words and meaning and argument is my work
Balancing love and a homestead alongside the ticker-tape of tumbling tasks
Seizing joy with fury and savoring rest with purpose is certainly easier when stretched amongst the rushes
Like a jewel in refinement, turning, clunking and bouncing in the tumbler, I am acutely aware of the many facets of being.
All sides must be given attention and polished, with each step- the process continues- moving forward, ever so slightly, through the dissonance.

Working on the Weekends...

No motivation to work-
My professor will think I'm a jerk.

I've got transcripts to code and reviews to write-
But siting and starting are putting up quite a fight.

The sun is shining and calling my name-
I wonder how long I will play this procrastination game...?

I can reason and ration all day; I am shrewd-
But if I don't get this work done... I am going to be screw--!

Update Spring 2012 Begins

I have missed my blog! Writing for the joy of writing - ahh yes.

Where do I start? The holidays were eventful to say the least and I am thrilled to say that 2011 is the last holiday season I will spend in finals. ever.

Spring 2012 begins with a vengeance and lots of news... The secret is out, although not on FB and not going to be, Neil and I are expecting our first baby. I am 19 weeks preggers and what journey it has been so far! The first trimester about did me in! I couldn't eat a thing and felt sick 24-7, especially at night. Luckily, I could get my work done in the morning and muscle through classes at night. By the grace of God, I slid through the Fall semester and don't have any desire to look back! I threw up most of my holiday dinners and ended up losing over 7 lbs in my first trimester. As the nausea declined, massive daily headaches join my routine and I really thought... I may only have one child.

Thankfully, I am feeling better by week 19 and am gearing up for Spring with my guns-a-blazing! I have to be. Three classes this semester and 2 in summer will complete my course work for the doctoral program. Hopefully, baby will let me finish finals before his arrival on or around July 4th! An independence baby born to course-work-free mama! I'll take the rest of the summer to hang with the baby and then begin my qualifying exams, on my own time, :) in the Fall. After quals, the dissertation research and writing begins. Thankfully, all this work is on my own time, leaving my schedule flexible enough to accommodate the family needs.

I will honestly admit, last semester was down right miserable, but I am refreshed and rejuvenated with new vigor to knock out the work and get this degree done as planned. I imagine my life a year from now as a part time professor and full time mama and use that joy to help me through another literature review and critical review... and before I know it I am few steps closer to my goal. :)

In the meantime, I am beyond thrilled that our little one is growing and thriving. I love talking to other mama's and have channeled my researcher's lenses on all things baby. I can't wait to start working on the baby's room. The pictures above are Charlie, 18 weeks.

Monday Begin Again

Monday arrives with pleasant energy- waking to find a neat house and a few fall decorations- thanks to my mother.
The weekend brought a break (because I couldn't force myself to work anymore) from school work and several hours of watching movies and mindless television.
Sunday became an impromptu family gathering, complete with steaks and veggies on the grill, mum planting, cowboys game and a pumpkin carving contest. It was lovely to be together and relax throughout the day.
Friends are the precious family you get to choose, yes; but your family is always there for you to the very last day.
After a year of increasing isolated lifestyle, my appreciation of both has increased exponentially.

One project finished and another one begins.
I embrace what the week will hold for me and pray for the Lord to continue to work in my heart- helping me break free of the doctoral doldrums and dance back into joy.
Rejoice in the Lord, always- again, I say rejoice.

craft

what is your craft? is it learning, teaching, sharing, creating or all of these
what makes one a master of their craft?
still afternoon in my house alone, craving creative expression, color, noise
yearning for purity, intensely solid, visceral renaissance of movement and focus on beauty
the air changes and my throat tightens around the taunt of daydreams
the clock strikes 4 and it's time for class, for school
time to input then output
still looking to find the spirit of craft, i feel it approaching

a long day is over... haiku

dark calm quiet house
rain gently taps the sky light
fingers tapping words

A very long day of tasks to complete lingers still, but in the stillness I somehow find a quiet mind.
Perhaps it is the surrender of energy spent, or maybe the rain quenching the dry and desperate earth- but somehow the constant tension in me has vacated- leaving room for poetry and a dinner of fresh chopped vegetables.

Somehow, I will finish it all. But for now, I will enjoy the calm.

Cheers the Freakin Weekend!

Oh what a week! It's so nice to have one more week under my belt. The grace of the Lord never fails me. He has answered my desperate prayers for tranquility and joy in the midst of a strenuous, consuming and rather relentless schedule this semester. I have my happy back! Hallelujah!

Yesterday, I dreamed of my graduation party. I watched myself thanking friends, family and my precious husband for supporting me through this journey. My dream reminded me of two important things: one- the power of visualization. Call me an idealist, I'll gladly wear the title. I expect the very best everyday. I believe in visualizing the fruition of dreams and goals. There is power in that image and even more in speaking those goals aloud. Here on my blog I say: I will toast the joy of graduating with a ph.d in a few years, surrounded my friends and family and one heck of a party!

Second, don't save your thank-you's! Ears never tire of blessings. If I think them, I will say them. Thank you family, friends for your patient and caring listening and support in my overwhelmed moments. Thank you husband for your unwavering support and patience for a wife who has ceased to cook, clean, and shop in lieu of staring into a laptop for hours on end. I'm so lucky so have married someone who has already blazed this trail and survived.

Cheers to the weekend, in spite of working- I will celebrate my mother's 55th birthday with dinner and a show. And enjoy a quiet, laptop free evening with my husband, dogs and cats. Sounds amazing.

The Uphill Climb

Blogging, among many other things I love has taken a very distant back seat to my doctoral studies. Tonight, as midnight approaches, I find it the appropriate interruption from my htlm project toil.

Taking note of the uphill climb:

Year one is finished and year two begun at record pace. To date, life is the busiest and most intense I've experienced. I do enjoy my days, but resent the stress and time demands from my very core.

I miss writing for fun and am reminded of my divorce from the joy of reading as a child.

As a little girl, I read feverishly- devouring book after book with joy, curiosity and delight. As I progressed through school, that joy was squashed by an anvil of boring text books, tedious required reading notes and stupid-end-of-the-chapter questions. I quit reading for fun, and started glazing over the text to fulfill requirements with efficiency. My student life was awarded with A's and countless awards, but long gone was the joy of reading. As an adult looking back, what a tragic failure that was.

I'm determined to protect my love of writing. Tonight, I begin another week of 15 hour days without knowing definitively that I will finish everything in time. Inundation lowers the quality of my work, which feels like a failure to me. I have left some projects unfinished because of inevitable prioritization of deadlines, again- gut-wrenching! I'm gaining weight and having trouble getting my mind to down enough to sleep through the night. I don't have much time to cook, clean, be creative, work out or attend social events. I spend most of my time at home, alone, in front of my laptop- working. I do not intend to complain, just note the reality of life right now. This is the uphill climb; and it's bloody hard.

On occasion, I've considered quitting, but absolutely cannot fathom allowing the sacrifices I have already made thus far become all for nothing. Onward I push and climb, through the occasional tears and four letter words and frequent prayers for strength and tranquility. Believing that reaching new heights is worth the price tag and hoping I am becoming a better person, hoping I am bringing glory to the Leader. one. step. at. a. time.

It's okay to be sad.

Even though it is hard to be sad.
This issue compounds sad, which is really unfortunate.
I don't care for sad; I prefer happy and carefree.
However, sad reminds me of how much more wonderful happy is.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I hope happy will return soon.
Sad really doesn't work for me.
Maybe writing will bring happy back faster.
I hope so. And hope-y is very close to happy.
Surely one little letter will make it's way back into place very soon.

Mahalo

After a much anticipated and appreciated trip to Maui, I find myself - de-stressed. I have more to do than I did before I left, but have had time to reflect and choose an attitude of thankfulness instead of fret and constant urgency.

Maui is beautiful. It will be a while before I can process and internalize the fullness of the experience, but diving with manta rays and sharks was awe-inspiring and revitalizing. Driving the road to Hana quieted my mind and bathed my spirit in creation. Soaring above towering waterfalls brought perspective, and walking the beaches brought balance back. Perspective makes your days, and your days make your life. I'm thankful to have been reminded of these things during this time in my journey.

the sea, the sea, the big blue sea
you calm my soul and bring peace to me
bright, alive
full of power and surprise
i will always come to you, and you will always find me
my sea, my sea, my big blue sea

Back on the mainland, I focus in on research and school work.
With a fresh perspective and uncoiled fists, I click away and read away
Here we go summer session 2011
Each day a blessing, mahalo.

I have turned to the dark side...

My how the time flies. I haven't been back to my beloved blog since January. I haven't left completely though. I have found a way to continue thinking about blogging... in my research. I even presented at a colloquium round table a few weeks ago on the passionate writing community of millennial women bloggers... really! I did! AND to my surprise, my audience found it relatively interesting. So, I'm growing the paper, we'll see what it turns into...

Life is so good. Busy, exciting and difficult. I feel as though I am training for a marathon, but I love it. I am growing in so many ways I couldn't possibly name them all in the short time I have to down this cup of coffee and begin my next paper which is due in approximately 2 hours. YES, I said coffee.

I have recently joined the dark side of coffee drinkers. I used to be a tea drinker who scrunched my nose in disgust at even the smell of coffee. But, somehow the combination of graduate school, the approach to my 30th birthday and remodeling my house made me pick a ^%*%$&$# cup of double shot espresso and drink it. black. That's how I like it. I have come to anticipate and appreciate my afternoon cup of coffee and the reprieve from my work. With a short white cup of black coffee in my hand, birds chirping, breezes blowing and my sweet dogs lounging on the back porch... for a few moments- all is right with the world. And I enter back into the grind, refreshed and energized for the tasks ahead.

So off I go again, but hoping to return sooner, to continue to document more frequently the moments of this dynamic life, as we know it.

Trying not to be sick anymore...

There is one thing I hate- I hate being sick.
I have used every weapon known to man to fight off a achy cold and I am hoping with everything I've got that tomorrow will be the last of it.
Being sick makes you thankful for your health.
Tomorrow will be a feeling better day.

This morning I taught class, cleaned house, lunched and worked some more.
I am thankful for a clean, beautiful house, and my cats who lay across my papers strewn across the dining room table as I plunk away at my laptop projects.
I am thankful for the soothing sounds of my front porch fountain which accompanies the quiet, perfectly.
I am thankful for the flow of thoughts and clarity that emerge like the sleuth I've been searching everywhere for.
I am thankful for my husband who went to the store and bought several delectable beverages to fill our refrigerator shelf and ward off my looming cold-medicine dehydration.
I am thankful for family and those who nurture our spirits when our strength is low.

I'm back!

After a few weeks of hiatus, rest, love, food, and more rest. I am officially rejuvenated out of utter exhaustion. Fall 2010 closed with a 3.8 gpa and the holidays were a fabulous blur of glitter, fun and food. And the spring semester has officially begun. Off to the races folks!

My courses are off to a running start. The constant stress of "newness" has lowered from a daily tidal wave to a more manageable, occasional upheaval of nerves. I bought a planner, and now manage my world in hard-copy (in addition to digital.) The planner is very comforting and has freed me from post-it note overload.

The required reading for school has increased 7-fold, and is ever-so-dense and philosophical. But, I am resolved, for now, to persevere through it all. I have found joy again in learning. I love my student teachers- they are the brightest spots of my week. And I am determined to keep my daily joy around, much longer than the constant cognitive dissonance of Fall 2010.

Here we go!
Off to read: Using a Chicana Feminist Epistemology in Educational Research by Delores Delgado Bernal

Missed

As finals come to a close- one last stack of papers lay beside me to grade. Grades to post, paper work to wrap up - and then I will tie a big red bow on this first semester of school and say-
it is finished.
What an experience it has been...
I thought I would feel so light today, smiling from ear to ear.
But- this season of work has squeezed out so many things I love about the holiday season.
Both Neil and I have been working so hard, that those events outside of work were missed this season.

The CTWP Holiday Social
Kevin & Missy's Red Soiree
Ryan & Sandra's Christmas Party
Michele's Cookie & Jewelry Party
Alex's Ornament Exchange Party
Miranda's Birthday Brunch
Amye's shopping visit to the outlet mall
The Annual White Elephant Gift Exchange Party
ALL missed by us.

I'm just not sure what to say about it.
I know I am investing in the future, but at what sacrifice?
I miss the joy I used to find in cleaning my house, cooking dinner and seeing our friends- things that I do not have much time to do anymore.
I just want my friends to know I still love them. I miss them terribly. I hope I will see them soon.
Next year, I will figure out a way to do it better. This program will only interrupt one more holiday season, and next year- I will surely be more prepared.

Time to dry it up and count my blessings.
The last thing I'm missing is an attitude adjustment. Hopefully, I'll find it soon.

My husband has said on several occasions... "Grad school is about as much fun as stabbing yourself in the eye with a fork, over and over and over." I'll just leave it at that.

Monday Short List

Monday, Monday- here we go!
I missed my pilates class because my brain is too full.
My heart is full because we set up out Christmas tree and decked the halls last night- joy!
Church and my mother's Christmas brunch brought food for the soul and reminded me that the world does not revolve around my doctoral program.
This season is a time for reflection on God's gifts and blessings to us (and oh, they are so many), and a time to GIVE to others.
The Limpopo Writing Project is my charity project this Christmas, and I am even more excited to try to put together a little money for learners far away who are moving along their educational journey- just like I am trying to do.
Dancing to Bing Crosby in the living room with my husband fills my bucket.
The Christmas shopping is done, Christmas cards are mailed- it's time to get back to the school work.
Giddy up!

30 Second Pity Party

I'm going to allow myself to write one pitiful sentence, so here goes:
My house needs cleaning, laundry needs doing, I have a paper to write, stacks of grading, a final to write, grades to submit, IRB training to compete, and three statistics assignments to complete, Christmas cards to mail, and the fact that my precious tradition of putting up my tree the day after thanksgiving did not happen this year makes me want to cry right now. I am afraid Christmas is being smothered out by work. After work has already gobbled up my friends' holiday parties- this work is really starting to get to me. Okay- that was 3 sentences.

Time for 3 sentences of truth:
I am blessed. God is good. Life is good.

Time for action:
Time to dry it up, eat a bowl of chicken soup and get this house clean. I can do it. I can do it.
One.
More.
Week.